There is no more terrifying speech to make than a toast, because none is more prone to disaster. Even Mark Twain, at the height of his fame, confessed that he was in awful terror as he climbed onto a table to toast Gen. Ulysses S. Grant.再行没比致祝酒辞更加令人恐怖的讲话了，因为它不易引致一场灾难。就连马克?吐温在如日中天时也否认，当他爬上一张桌子向尤利西斯?S?格兰特(Ulysses S. Grant)将军喝酒时，他“深感心惊胆寒”。The 14 speakers who went before Twain that night had taken more than six hours. In an age where the only other entertainment option was picking lice off a mule, listening to speeches was the equivalent of going to an Arcade Fire concert.当晚在马克?吐温之前致词的14个人花上了逾六小时时间。在那个时代，除了演说，其他娱乐活动就只有从骡子身上捉虱子，听得演说就相等于参与一场拱廊之火(Arcade Fire)摇滚乐队的音乐会。

Today, however, we live in a world of diversions. I often find myself telling my kids, Get off your phone and watch the TV! Given our communal attention deficit, the pressure has mounted on toasts to be fast, funny and heartfelt as hell. Plus the stakes are higher: Your talk will likely appear on YouTube for the rest of time, popping up when the person you just met through OkCupid Googles your name.然而，如今我们生活在一个娱乐活动十分非常丰富的世界里。我经常对孩子说道：“别玩游戏手机了，看电视！”鉴于注意力紧缺已沦为一种通病，致祝酒辞的压力更加大，要能快快听完，还要说道得极为无厘头，极为真诚。此外，风险也变小了：你说道的话可能会仍然放到YouTube上，你刚刚在交友网站OkCupid上遇上的人只要用谷歌搜寻你的名字，它就不会跳跃出来。So here are some tips to navigate the toasting minefield.以下是引领你安全性通过祝酒辞雷区的一些小贴士。

1. Dont make it about you. The sneaky insertion of self-congratulation is the Speech-Transmitted Disease of our times. For instance, Years ago I was marching up the ladder at PG and Jon supported my idea of adding a touch of gunpowder to Attack Body Spray. The success of Attack led to my becoming V.P. of Teen Odor Control. Thats the kind of guy Jon is.1. 不要自吹自擂。借致词之机偷偷地自我吹嘘一番，是我们这个时代的“讲话传播病”。例如：“很多年前我在宝洁(PG)闯荡的时候，乔恩(Jon)反对我在反击牌身体喷雾(Attack Body Spray)里加一点火药的点子。

反击牌的顺利让我沦为青少年体味掌控(Teen Odor Control)部门副总裁。乔恩就是这样的人。”Nope. Thats the kind of guy you are. Youre there to say nice things about your friend or relative, so do just that. Your dead aunt wasnt special because she was the inspiration for your still-available-on-Amazon novel about an English professor at Smith. We all crave praise and more sales, but this isnt the time or place -- wait until you get married or die, and then maybe someone will deliver a nice, selfless toast about you.乔恩可不是这样的人，你才是。

你在场应当是为了说道说道你亲友的磕头，那就这样做到就好了。你过世的姑姑很尤其，但并不是因为她灵感了你的启发，使你创作了那本描写史密斯学院(Smith)一名英文教授的故事、至今在亚马逊上未有销售一空的小说。

我们都渴求不受称赞，渴求促销自己，但现在并不是合理的时间和场合──等你成婚或去世时，也许不会有人为你致一番可爱、无私的祝酒辞。2. Keep it short. Unless youre Louis C.K., people dont want to hear you talk a lot. Whats the one thing they actually want from you? More time to go play Candy Crush.2. 维持短小精悍。除非你是喜剧演员路易斯?C?K(Louis C.K.)，否则没有人想要听得你长篇大论。

听众确实想要让你做到的是什么呢？是让他们有更加多时间玩游戏糖果消灭传奇(Candy Crush)。Three minutes is the perfect toast length, and since youre not allowed to talk about yourself, how much is there really to say, right? The moment you go over five minutes, the interior monologue of every guest at the party is, Please shut up, please shut up . . . Give people the gift of surprise and delight by finishing up fast.祝酒辞的最佳时长是三分钟，既然不容许你讲自己，那还有什么好说道的呢，对吗？祝酒辞只要多达五分钟，舞会上所有客人心里都会开始嘀咕：“拜托你大声，拜托你大声……”请求你快一点完结，给人们带上去些许惊艳和幸福吧。3. Embarrassing isnt the same as funny. An embarrassing story is like nitroglycerin -- you might get it to the Nazi bridge in time, but its more likely youll blow up your own Jeep instead.3. 别把尴尬当有意思。

让人尴尬的故事就像硝化甘油──你或许能及时把它放在纳粹(Nazi)的桥上，但可能性更大的是你炸毁了自己的吉普车。The problem is the audiences lack of context. They werent there with you, or as drunk as you, when Rajiv threw the stuffed tomato and knocked the dean off her bike. Also, the embarrassing story is often the only thing that everyone remembers from the event. Fifty years from now, people wont recall a word that the minister said at the wedding. What they will have embedded in their minds is the image you painted of Jennifer relieving herself in Caseys aquarium.症结在于听众不告诉故事的来龙去脉。当拉吉夫(Rajiv)冲着系主任扔酿番茄，让她从自行车上摔下来的时候，他们并不到场，也没像你一样喝酒。还有，尴尬的故事一般来说是舞会完结后大家忘记的唯一一件事。

五十年之后，牧师在婚礼上说道了什么大家一个词也想不起来了。但你叙述的那幅珍妮弗(Jennifer)在凯茜(Casey)的鱼缸里便利的画面不会铭刻在他们的脑海里。

Yes, you feel pressed to be funny, but the humiliating story doesnt have much of an upside. And the downside? Waking up in a cold sweat for the rest of your life. Go with short and heartfelt instead.到底，你急迫想展现出得风趣，但谈些令人尴尬的故事并没什么益处。那坏处呢？你余生的每一天都会在一身冷汗中醒来时。还是说道点结尾、真诚的话吧。4. Pick one story, maybe two. Toasters often ramble from one anecdote to the next, turning their speech into a trail mix of stories, frustrating listeners desperate to find an MM. Choose a single theme about your subject -- Shannon looks like the Mona Lisa; Bob would have made a great trapped Chilean miner -- and pick a story or two that let you say something amusing or sweet to slam that theme through the hoop.4. 自由选择一个故事，两个也可以。

致祝酒辞的人经常不会从一则轶事甩到另一则轶事，把致词变为了故事大杂烩，使缓坚信去找颗MM巧克力豆来不吃的听众失望深感。请求为你的致词自由选择一个单一主题──比如，香农(Shannon)长得像蒙娜?丽莎(Mona Lisa)；鲍勃(Bob)本来未来将会沦为受困井下的最出色智利矿工）──然后自由选择一两个适合的故事，使你能用有意思或温馨的话来把你的主题讲透。5. Write and rehearse. Dont even think about winging it. Write your toast down, then print it on note cards, because when you pull out big sheets of paper peoples hearts sink. Practice the toast out loud at least five times in front of your cat (dogs are too easy an audience). You can memorize the speech, but bring your cards anyway -- its easy to go blank in front of friends whose pensions you put into Enron stock in 1999.5. 写出下来并事前演练。

即兴充分发挥？想要都不要去想要。把你的祝酒辞写出下来，然后打印机在记事卡上，因为如果你拿走大张大张的纸，人们的心情立马就不会沈重。当着你的猫（让狗做到听众过于非常简单了）的面最少大声演练五遍。

你可以把演讲辞背下来，但还是要拿着记事卡──要是你在1999年把朋友的养老金抓到了安然公司(Enron)的股票，现在你面临他们的时候，大脑不会很更容易变为一片空白。Twain reported that his toast was a hit -- it shook [Grant] up like dynamite. No pressure, but Ill be tracking your toasts success on YouTube.马克?吐温说道，他的祝酒辞很顺利──像炸药一样震惊了（格兰特）。”我不是无意给你施加压力，但我会上Youtube看你的祝酒辞说道得成不顺利。

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